I have a few "before I die" goals. See the Aurora Borealis. Walk the Great Wall of China. Learn how to play a musical instrument.
The latter goal has been pursued in earnest since February. And, of course, the instrument of choice is the accordion.
The accordion makes me happy. I love the way it sounds. My favorite bands use the accordion: They Might Be Giants, Oingo Boingo, the Decemberists (and yes, "Weird Al" Yankovic). I guess some would say my obsession with TMBG prompted the accordion lessons, but I would argue that my love of the accordion prompted my obsession with TMBG.
I have never played an instrument. I took piano lessons when I was seven, sitting dutifully on that hard bench with my ancient piano teacher, Mrs. Little. Mrs. Little must have been 115 years old (though in reality she was probably about 60; everyone over 15 is "old" to a seven-year-old) and warbled when she kept time: "Onnneeeeee twoooooo threeeeee..."
Mrs. Little had no patience, which is an awesome trait for a music teacher. When she would get particularly frustrated with me, she would take my small hand and pound it on the keys, screeching, "NO! NO! NO!" And I, more humilated than hurt, would cry. If the sobbing would take place near the end of my lesson, Mrs. Little would bribe me with candy to shut up before my parents picked me up. The candy was circa 1953 "root beer barrels" kept in a sticky candy dish on her coffee table. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that ever ate those things. I never told my parents about this until I was much older; I think I felt sorry for her.
I don't remember how long I took piano lessons, but do remember I just wouldn't practice. I would get by in my lessons, playing by ear, but Mom got peeved about spending good, sparse money just to fight with me over practicing. After my defection, Mrs. Little called occasionally, warbling her request to have me come back. And for years after that, whenever we'd see someone playing piano on TV or if one of my friends would play our usually silent upright, Mom would shake her head regrettably and say, "See, Keri? If only you would have practiced..."
And now, thirty years later, I realize she was right. Because if I had practiced piano, the accordion would be a helluva lot easier to learn. When I first called the accordion teacher he asked me, "What instruments do you play?" "None!" I said. "Never...?" he asked, incredulous, "How did you escape piano lessons?" I told him about Mrs. Little. "Huh. So... Do you read music?" "Nope!" I could hear him rolling his eyes through the phone. He knew he had his work cut out for him.
I was so excited for my first lesson. We started from square one. How to take it out of the case. How to put it on. Right hand goes here. Left there. That little button releases the air. These are called bellows. These are bass keys. That little rhinestone? Middle "C." Staff, G clef, treble clef, four count. Here's your music and assignment; you can borrow the accordion.
It's difficult. I mean, really difficult. Trying to get my left hand to do one thing while my right hand does another and reading music at the same time? Insane. But I keep at it. I practice at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week. Sometimes more. I think my teacher knows I'm serious about learning; I'm honest and earnest. I tell him when I haven't practiced. We spar. He tells me my playing sounds like I'm "leaving a trail of dead bodies," I tell him he's a freaking showoff.
I love it. This time I'm learning for me, and when it clicks and I play a piece straight through without mistakes, it's the most amazing feeling ever. I got my very own accordion from eBay; it's beautiful. There are many accordions like it, but this one is mine.
Bring on your accordion jokes (yes, I've seen the Far Side and the bumper sticker that instructs me to go to jail). I don't care. It's my instrument. It makes me happy. And I'm doing something I've always wanted to do.
Doesn't get much better than that.
[this is good] Howling their approval, I'm sure! I even recognized the tune!
I'm SUPER IMPRESSED!! Good for you for pursuing a passion. I still can't even read music.
Posted by: LeendaDLL | July 16, 2008 at 10:48 PM
Aw, thanks! I'm way self-conscious about playing in front of people, but I need to get over that. Thanks for your encouragement!
Posted by: clamhead | July 16, 2008 at 10:54 PM
[this is good]
Wow! You learned how to play "Fish Heads." MacVader wants to know when Paul is going to take up the bagpipes. And, Michael can take up the theremin.
Seriously, I am very impressed. Good for you, Keri. BTW - I'm seeing Al tonight. I'll let him know he has competition.
Posted by: LoMac | July 17, 2008 at 03:31 AM
Don't think I wasn't singing Fish Heads along with this music. They have always sounded alike to me.
And once upon a time, Al told me he would give me lessons. Tell him I'm still up for that.
Posted by: clamhead | July 17, 2008 at 06:12 AM
[this is good] Awesome post.
Posted by: hotrod | July 17, 2008 at 07:35 AM
[esto es genial] How cool! You should tell Paul to learn the banjo :)
Posted by: michellemybelle | July 17, 2008 at 08:36 AM
[this is good] Great post!
Took note: Buy Root Beer candy to seduce my bf... :P
Posted by: Cabgirl | July 17, 2008 at 09:32 AM
As much as I enjoy seeing Paul tormented, I have to take pity on him this time. And oh, your pooor neighbors!
Posted by: jcolunga | July 17, 2008 at 10:01 AM
Hotrod: Thank you!
Michelle: Oddly, the banjo ranks high as another instrument I'd like to learn. I blame Kermit and Steve Martin for that. Paul doesn't really want to learn an instrument, unless it's Guitar Hero.
Cabgirl: Thank you! And I'm not sure stale root beer barrels work on adults. You can try though! let me know how it works out.
Smart ass: Paul actually enjoys my playing. And the neighbors? The downstairs neighbors are jazz musicians who treat us to the piano and upright bass nightly, accompanied by the wafting scent of pot smoke.
Next time I'm in your area, I'll bring my accordion to play JUST FOR YOU, WHOOPSIE.
Posted by: clamhead | July 17, 2008 at 10:09 AM
[this is good] I just want to snorgle you. I love this post to tiny bits and pieces. The video is awesome! You sound so good! (The dogs were howling with praise!)
Posted by: CupCate | July 17, 2008 at 12:03 PM
This post, video, and photo all made me smile a lot! You're awesome for learning an insanely difficult instrument.
I had a toy accordion for a while that I would play little songs on for Rudy and he would sing along just like your neighborhood dogs. It's such a divine instrument, that it's the only one they see fit to accompany.
When you're ready, let's start a band. I can play bass... sort of, and Rudy can sing. It'll be awesome.
Posted by: Papi Chulo | July 17, 2008 at 12:41 PM
[this is good] I had a piano teacher like Mrs. Little. Her name was Mrs. Melton. When I didn't get stuff right, she poked the soft part of my wrists with pencils. She kept a crystal candy bowl full of lemon drops that looked dusty and generally questionable.
This post made me giddy. Thanks!
Posted by: Natalie | July 17, 2008 at 01:23 PM
Good for you Keri! You and Paul could make up your own marching band with him playing the clarinet and you the accordian. Don't let him give you a hard time.
Posted by: hsmom | July 17, 2008 at 03:14 PM
My ancient typing teacher used a ruler, just like the nuns, to punish us,
Posted by: oyworks | July 17, 2008 at 10:08 PM
Hey, where's the rest of my comment?
I meant:
My ancient typing teacher used a ruler, just like the nuns, to punish us, but we'd get bribed with nickels for perfect five minute tests.
I just can't get over the fact that someone actually teaches this instrument although I don't know how I thought people learned. Very impressive.
Posted by: oyworks | July 17, 2008 at 10:10 PM
[this is good] So awesome Keri...but so serious. Be rock! Leave that trail of dead bodies!
\mm/
Posted by: ramenboy | July 18, 2008 at 01:43 AM
CupCate: You are welcome to snorgle, but you'll need to come to SF. Hurry!
Papi: Yes! A band! We could put on a show! FOR DOGS!
Natalie: It seems sadistic teachers exist everywhere, bribing their wards with stale candy. Maybe failed musical careers made them resentful. Or something.
Hsmom: You know, I offered to play with Em on a world tour. She turned me down flat. Tell her this is my audition video.
Oyworks: Another sadistic, bribing teacher! The ruler must have hurt. How's your typing? It took me all of five minutes to find an accordion teacher, but this is San Francisco, so perhaps it's easier here. Oh, and my teacher said I was the ninth new student to sign up at the beginning of the year. Odd, huh?
Ramenboy: Thanks! That look is me concentrating profusely. I took several takes before this one, and I had to discard them because of my facial expression. I looked like I was going to KILL someone. Perhaps I'll start looking happier when it starts becoming easier.
Posted by: clamhead | July 18, 2008 at 08:31 AM
[das ist gut]
Keri. You inspire me. Thank you for sharing that. I LOVED IT!
p.s. I want to join that band and play my conga drums...damn I need to practice - thanks again for inspiring me to keep on-keepin' on!
Posted by: Yvete | July 18, 2008 at 12:21 PM
O.K., perhaps I wasn't very supportive. Having given this some thought, learning the accordian is actually brilliant because for several reasons:
1. No one will ask you to play at their wedding
2. No one has accordion sheet music lying around to have you try out, "Can you learn this one for me?"
3. Paul can make obscene "Squeezebox" jokes. He he.
3. Since the human soul can only endure so much accordian music, you only need a few songs to convince them you have a vast repertoire:
The Beer Barrell Polka - The most likely request, although people will call it "Roll Out the Barrell"
The Chicken Dance - Okay, even I like this one.
La Vie en Rose - Appease the Francophiles
Constant Craving (K.D Lang) - Any Cajuns you may be playing for will have had enough to drink that you can convince them this is a Zydego slow-dance.
Any Wierd Al Accordion song - you'll only be asked to play one.
Oh, and if the first song you play for me is the Too Fat Polka I'll kick your butt.
Posted by: jcolunga | July 21, 2008 at 06:24 AM
Dude. Million dollar idea. We should register bandfordogs.com and put up a site.
Posted by: Papi Chulo | July 21, 2008 at 06:02 PM
[这个好] accordion awesomeness.
p.s. i noticed the great wall reference. *grin*
Posted by: Kimberly | July 22, 2008 at 02:28 AM
[this is good] I want to see the northern lights too. :) And I think it's awesome you're so dedicated to the accordion, I've always thought it was a beautiful and mysterious instrument!
Posted by: Krissy | July 22, 2008 at 02:29 PM
[this is good] Keri:
add one more to your list. Bruce Hornsby played the accordion when he
was the keyboard player with the Grateful Dead.
Posted by: Harry | August 21, 2008 at 05:09 PM
[this is good] really nice instrument
Posted by: Jimmy | November 13, 2008 at 09:45 AM
[this is good] Actually playing the accordion is like wearing bow ties, it takes a lot of self-confidence! Don't think you'll be stuck with just old-timey songs, either. If they can play jazz and "We Will Rock You" on the bagpipes, the accordion has infinite possibilities. Just keep up the good work and PRACTICE!
Posted by: VideomaxX | March 21, 2009 at 09:26 AM